Thought Excerpts from Inside the Head Of Paul Bardus (A Typical 21st Century Amerikan Guy) (by ContraSuggest)

Monday, 11:30 AM, Paul’s Bedroom

CNN Reporter: …new pope is Argentina's Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the former archbishop of Buenos Aires, who takes the name Pope Francis.  Francis, 76, is the first non-European pope in the modern era, the first South American pope and the first Pope Francis.  His election comes on the first full day of the cardinals' conclave in the Sistine Chapel.  The new pope, who succeeds Pope Benedict XVI, asked the crowd to pray for him.

Inside Paul Bardus’s Head:  Oh sh*t! What time is it?  Eleven-thirty already?  Slept through the alarm again; TV still on from last night. That had to be the best weed ever; still buzzed, head pounding though, must be the Jacks.  Back hurts; feels like a knot… oh, slept on the remote…  Hey, nice hat Francis, do you wear that because you lost a bet?  Wonder if he takes that thing off when he fondles little boys?  Sh*t, I hope Paul Jolley doesn’t get voted off of Idol.

Inside Paul’s Car, after leaving Wendy’s drive-through, 12:17 PM

Z-100 News Brief: …up to 73 weeks of total benefits is still the maximum available to unemployed workers in California. A regular claim provides up to 26 weeks of benefits and federal extension benefits provide up to another 47 weeks of benefits, provided by the federal government due to the length and severity of the economic downturn.  The White House has still not come to terms with the House of Representatives on a budget deal; the CBO now estimates the national debt to be in the $16 trillion range…

Paul’s Head: Obama is so cool, he really gets it.  F**king a**hole Republicans should stop busting his balls; mmm, fries are so good when they’re hot.  Gotta remember to call Bob about meeting his girlfriend’s friend next Saturday; can’t wait to lay into that!  We really beat the sh*t out of that rental last week, returned it after Bob puked in the trunk, and totally got away with it!  Bartender was awesome, drinks were so strong, can never remember what’s in a kamikaze, but they had some kick!  Need to find out by next month for the big ski trip.  F**k!  I’ll never get that pickle out from in between the seat and the console! 

Leaving Amanda’s house, 3:45 PM

Paul’s Head: This is really starting to piss me off, been seeing her for a week already and still haven’t nailed her.  What a pain in the balls; had to play it cool in front of her father; my God, what a tool that guy is!  Having to sit and pretend to be interested in his stupid sh*t is torture.  Your daughter is hot, but it’s not worth having to hear about what it was like when you grew up, how young people had more respect then.  Bitching about how union demands forced his company to close, and being out of work along with everybody else.  Well I’m out of work too, a**hole.  He was just breaking my balls; he knows I’m union.  My rep said he should have something for me soon, real soon.  I’m done with Amanda anyway, ain’t calling that bitch no more.              

In Front of Bob’s house, 5:05 PM

Headline, Yahoo’s home page on Paul’s I-Phone: Two teens arrested in baby shooting death.  A mom tries to shield her 13-month old son with her arms when a gunman and his young accomplice attack her.

Paul’s Head: Where the f**k is he?  Said he’s be here at 3:30; been jerking off here for 15 minutes already; not picking up his phone or answering texts; I’ll check my e-mail and see if he left anything.  Dead baby?  What the f**k?  After that Newton thing they should just get rid of all these f**king guns already, no one should be allowed to own one; at least then this sh*t will stop.  F**king rednecks and their guns, enough already!  Is that a cigarette burn on my leather?!  Sh*t, Bob is always smoking in here.  I’m gonna kick his ass, where the f**k is he anyway?  Did my phone just buzz?  Oh, it was just my stomach growling, I’m starved, where is he?!  Finally, a text!  OK, he’s late and will be here in 10 minutes, and we’re going to O’Malley’s tonight; very cool. 

Returning to Bob’s house, 3:20 AM

Evening news headlines AP, CNN, Fox, et al.: Death toll spikes in Iraq, new wave of suicide bombers kills 50 in Afghanistan, city of Detroit Bankrupt, Mexican drug cartels step-up violence on the border, Tenement fire kills 15 in the Bronx, Jerry Sandusky interview to air…       

Paul’s Head: I am so f**king drunk!  Holy sh*t, did Taylor Swift get implants?  That’s pretty cool!  After I sleep this off, me and Bob gotta talk about what we’re gonna do next month to celebrate my 30^th birthday.