The Top 10 Things That “Environmentalists” Will Soon Make Us Do (by ContraSuggest)

10.  Institute “National Hold Your Breath Day”:  You’ll never guess what evil substance human beings release into the atmosphere each time we exhale.  If you’re thinking CO2, give yourself a pat on the back.  Imagine if everyone riding along on Mother Earth were to hold his or her breath for just 10 minutes.  What a difference we could make; write your congressmen and get the ball rolling, this could be the greatest thing since Hootie said, “Give a hoot, don’t pollute!”

9.     Live with Farm Animals/Plant and Grow Trees Indoors:  It’s a known fact that human beings are destroying our beautiful planet.  We crowd animal species right out of their habitats and into extinction; we cut trees down by the millions, decimating Mother Earth’s delicate ecosystem.  Now, the perfect solution: plant redwoods in your living room and take on a gator as your roommate.  Just remember the importance of all those wonderful things that nature provides us with, like: Tsunamis, erupting volcanoes, Bubonic Plague, and poison ivy!  Good ole Mother Earth

8.    Virtual Meat-Eating:  An on-line game in which the player portrays a character that “eats” lots of meat.  This way we can get carnivorous urges out of our systems in cyberspace while at the same time, saving cows and chickens in the real world.  If the statists have their way, we may not be able to eat cows, but soon we’ll be able to marry them

7.    Eat Styrofoam:  Preliminary studies show that although Styrofoam is harmful to our precious planet, it’s non-toxic when ingested by us horrible humans.  Yes, we can use our own bodies to recycle cups and plates!  So the next time you’re at the family barbeque, consider skipping the pie and pudding for desert and eat a Styrofoam plate or cup instead.  Recycle that nasty Styrofoam into harmless poop!

6.    Kill The Whales:  Did you know that plankton helps rid the oceans of that hateful Devil Gas, CO2.  That’s right, but did you also know that whales love to eat plankton?  How can that marvelous plankton continue to do Mother Earth’s work while being devoured by whale?  Easy solution- kill ‘em all (the whales that is)

5.    Compost our Poop:  Composting toilets are all the rave, they recycle pooh-pooh into, well, symmetrical blocks of pooh-pooh.  We’re not sure exactly why, but when you’re helping the environment, who needs an explanation?  Sure your house will smell like a New Jersey land fill, but isn’t a stench that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck from a hundred yards away worth the benefit of saving the environment?  The answer is an inconvenient truth

4.    Make Love to Blow-Up Dolls (or at least use condoms):  By now we all know that humans suck.  There simply needs to be less of us so we stop defiling our pristine planet.  If more people would just exercise their libidinous energies on blow-up love dolls we could reduce our population.  If you can’t manage this, at least use condoms (especially if you’re under the age of eleven).  I mean, abortion is great and all, but we need to do more

3.    Extinguish Burning People with Dirt:  Can anyone guess what substance is in many fire extinguishers?  That’s right, dreaded CO2!  Let’s outlaw these things quick, Mother Earth hangs in the balance.  In the meantime, if someone’s on fire, just throw dirt on ‘em, it’s worth a few layers of skin in order to not release extra CO2 into the atmosphere

2.    Insert Butt-Plugs:  As you know CO2 is the greatest threat to the Earth since Y2K.  Guess what flatulence releases into the atmosphere?  I’ll put it this way: we ain’t fartin’ roses.  So save the environment- assume the position!

1. Kill Ourselves:  Humans are, in the end, just an infestation on this planet, with less of a right to be here than fungus, bacteria, ticks, and lizards.  It’s already OK to kill unborn babies and old people (which shows how sophisticated and advanced we can truly be); at the same time we shouldn’t deter everybody else from making sacrifices for our beautiful planet.  So save the planet; kill yourself!

Environmental Disclosure Statement:

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